Thursday, August 21, 2008

Go Ahead Make My Day, Punk!

Is it still a blog if you type it in Microsoft Word? Doesn't that ignore the original spirit of blogging? Aren't these things supposed to be off the cuff? Well, they're also supposed to be updated daily and that for damn sure hasn't been happening, I guess I just suck at blogging. Much like I sucked at baseball as a Little Leaguer. Good thing I kind of paid attention in school. Which leads me to today’s topic; how much more would you have paid attention in school if your teacher was strapped?

That's right school districts in Texas (big fucking surprise) in their infinite wisdom have decided that their classrooms will be safer if they're teachers are packin. This King Solomon like decision is in response to the spate of school shootings that have swept across this country in the past decade. Typical close minded conservative thinking; instead of paying more attention to those kids so alienated by their peers that they develop nihilistic disorders, let's just arm our geriatric teachers so they can blast them sumofabitches before they kill themselves and everybody else in the school.

What's next airline pilots with guns?
Oh…. Nevermind

This country just gets dumber and dumber.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Put the Mic Down!

It pains me to write this because the rapper in question is a pioneer of the rap game and undoubtedly one of the greatest to ever pick up a microphone. However, it's clear his best days are long past him and at this point he is little more than a joke to the art form. I'm not really sure what's driving him these days. It's not like he needs the money and if he did rapping would be a really bad way to try and get some. And if he truly loved/cared and respected hip-hop he wouldn't subject us to his latest insipidity.

Yes, I'm talking about LL Cool J. In recent years after a string of flops he's resorted to dissing Jay-Z and hopping on the 50 Cent bandwagon in a futile attempt to stay relevant. His time has passed and as evidence I present his latest single "Baby" featuring the Dream.

Let's break the lyrics to this atrocity down.

"Met this lil' girl she was off the hook
I got cold chills when her body shook
Hot Sex on the platter, no need to cook
I let her steal my heart like a horny crook
Had her grindin and windin against my leg
She messin with my head, wanna play in the bed
Sexy pumps on, toenails red
Your body's a gun baby, pump me full of lead
It hard to hold you when you movin vulgar
Peace sign on your eyes like John Travolta
My Pulp ain't Fiction, it's an addiction
to see your booty clap on the floor in the kitchen
Nasty girl, taught me all the lingo
While mama play bingo, she ride mandingo
She don't give a damn if I'm married or single
She makes me TINGLE! Shorty I'm your....."
    Where do I begin?
  1. If LL wants to keep calling himself the GOAT (corniest nickname ever) he needs to step his rhyming skills above a 3rd grade level.
    "She messin with my head, wanna play in the bed " Seriously?
  2. Horny crook is just a nice way to say rapist.
  3. "Your body's a gun baby, pump me full of lead" Is it me or is that just a tad homoerotic?
  4. Vulgar and Travolta don't rhyme
  5. Rappers shouldn't ever rap about John Travolta.
  6. "She makes me Tingle!", damn... there's really nothing to say about that one. At least he didn't say tinkle. Thank the Lord for small victories.

But wait it gets worse:
Verse 2
"She likes Hip-Hop and R&B
Her lifetime goal is to be on TV
She lookin for a man that could give her a break
Like Usher or Justin Timberlake
I'm really not sure if her breasts are fake
Cause with whipped cream on 'em, they taste just like cake
We drink some beer inside of daddy's '64
She shot me in the back with cupid's arrow
We finish the 6-pac, she push the seat back
Pulled up her dress and she let me peep that
Im Drunk as a skunk, feeling all dirty
Truck stop bathroom at 7:30
Bought her some dessert, give a damn if it's early
Head spinnin around like roller derby
Everything about her says you dont deserve me
I hope im worthy, cause shorty I'm your..........."

1. Timberlake and Usher may be a lot of things, but they're not men. More like older boys.
2. "... they taste just like cake" Did he get that from Jeffrey Dahmer's romance guide?
3. Truck stop bathroom love? Guess what LL? People no longer wonder why you lick your lips and stare. We're just waiting for the video of you and Johnny Gill to hit the internet and ruin an entire generation's childhood memories.

I'll spare you the entirety of verse 3, just peep how ends it:
"Never had a girl make me feel this way
Even though I had to pay, shorty I'm your...."

What? LL used to the be baddest muthaf*cker out. He was notorious, he could even crush you like a jelly bean. I mean damn, he was that type of guy. He rolled with a boomin system and got all the around the way girls. Now he's paying for it? Things have sunk that low for Ladies Love Cool James?

Mr. Smith please, put the microphone down and concentrate on your acting career. You're pretty good at it and you have turned in several surprisingly respectable performances. Unfortunately the same can no longer be said for your rapping.

Friday, August 01, 2008

People Are Watching

Hmmm... when I posted a link to this blog on my facebook status I didn't really think people would read it... Ok I thought they would read it, but I certainly didn't think they would enjoy it. Don't get me wrong. I was hoping they would, but most people don't have any taste so I figured it was likely that my brilliant musings would go over the heads of most people. Especially people who spend most of there day on Facebook "reconnecting" with people they didn't like 10 years ago. By the way, is Scrabulous back up yet???

Of course if people are actually reading this thing and expecting it to actually be good that puts some pressure on me to keep writing... well. And that is going to take some discipline and determination on my part. So, if I fall off and neglect this blog it will reflect poorly on my character and reinforce all the self-doubt and fears I have for my future. On the other hand, if I keep up a semi-regular routine of thoughtful updates, people who I only keep in touch with through the internet might respect me. Seems like a fair trade off.

Hopefully, if nothing else this blog will be the outlet I need to clear my head as I embark on my journey to become a successful screenwriter. I'm not just pulling that out of my ass. I actually studied film in college and I've even written some screenplays. Nothing that actually got made or anything like that but, my parents, girlfriend and close friends all thought they were quite good. So there!

If your curious, here's two (FYI they're both pdf files so you if you don't have adobe acrobat you can't read them and you're computer sucks):

Platinum Vendetta
This is an episode of Law and Order that I wrote for a contest. My boy Lenny is in this one, RIP.

This is a short I wrote about a star high-school basketball player and his relationship with his brother.

Let me know what u think.